Waiting for right now

“I said remember this moment, in the back of my mind. The time I stood with my shaking hands……” The words of my girl Taylor run through my mind the night before I start my new job. I have just been hired as a writer at Puckermob. Let me say that again. I HAVE JUST BEEN HIRED AS A WRITER. A writer that gets to pick her topics EVERY SINGLE WEEK! This, my friends, is the dream. Well, if it were my own column in the Post it would be the dream, but this is pretty close. Puckermob is an awesome online publication that features current, informative, and fun articles on a variety of topics. And, as of tomorrow, some of those articles will be written by me! I wish I could express all that I’m feeling right now; All day ideas for articles have been flashing through my mind (Which is good considering that I have to pitch five article ideas tomorrow) but along with them, a steady current of apprehension. OMG, is this real? Can this actually be happening? What if I screw it up? This could possibly be the first step on my path to……everything. It’s like I landed this job and suddenly I can see my path lit before me…..the possibilities are endless. And yet, the possibilities for disaster are also endless. All I want is for this to work out, for this to become something…..real. And I know that’s up to me (for the most part), which scares the hell out of me.

Showing my Disney side.

I'm standing in front of the full length mirror critiquing my appearance. Blue dress with sparkly purple tulle peeking out from the bottom. Hair braided in a circlet framing my face and a jeweled headband that could totally pass for a tiara. Dress for the job you want right? And, what's wrong with wanting to be a princess? Seriously? Awhile back I listened to a radio program where they were discussing how the Disney Princess persona negatively affects girls. Really? That's what's wrong with society today? Cinderella? "Today's culture teaches women that their worth is more about beauty and less about their intelligence. The “princess effect” has taken a toll on how young girls grow into the mature emotionally developed women." This is from an article denoting the supposed negative effect Disney Princesses have on young girls. Um, I’m pretty sure this standard was established long before Walt starting producing stories about girls in long dresses that could talk to animals (Maybe that's the concept we should be exploring....). Another quote from this article is as follows "These princesses are teaching girls they have to have perfect light skin, the best jewelry, and the thinnest waist. To make all of this happen most people receive plastic surgery." Well there is another option: PARENT YOUR CHILDREN!!!! from the day they are born your daughters will be bombarded with thousands of images and ideals. Make sure yours is the loudest and remind them that THEIR opinion is what counts and they should be fine. Worked for me. And my sister. And all of my cousins (most of whom are girls). "Most Disney princesses act as a “damsel in distress” which portrays them to be taken care of in order to survive." I can rebuff this argument in three words: Merida, Elsa, and Anna. All three are strong, confidant women with awesome personalities. And, technically they're all single (Though the argument could be made that Anna is starting a relationship by the end of the movie). Okay, last one "Not only does our society look up to these Disney princesses and celebrities but also Royal princesses like Princess Kate. If we think about our childhood we all fell in love with at least one Disney princess, well things have not changed. Everyone has fell in love with Princess Kate as well. It is very interesting how things have not changed from one age to another. Knowing this is SCARY. Making sure that society is educated on how princesses are unrealistic and not everyone will have a happily ever after is realistic." So, you go out of your way to point out that princesses don't exist in the real world using a real princess as an example? Sigh. Maybe I just don't get it. Or perhaps I just really, really want to be a Disney Princess and this article rains on my glitter parade. Now, if you'll excuse me, there's a star I'd like to wish on......

#firstworldproblems

I’m sitting in my living room watching the antics of the housewives (Beverly Hills) eating pizza and margaritas while watching my sister try on the Louboutins she got for Christmas. These pursuits are only interrupted to challenge each other, or her non-romantic life partner (don’t ask) Bryan in Trivia Crack, a phone game that is aptly named. Kylie (my sister) and Bryan are not even supposed to be here; they are supposed to be in Utah at the Sundance Film Festival but yesterday, the East Coast got blasted with major snow, shutting down all airports from here to Ohio. Which means they’re stuck with us till tomorrow. This also means that this morning was spent on the phone, frantically trying to switch out tickets and worrying about vouchers. Well, as least we’re not worrying about Kylie’s fertility issues (She found out yesterday that she might not be able to have children). Or mine (to recap: miscarriage, heading for divorce, approaching high risk pregnancy age range). Or the fact that my mother feels like a failure of a parent. Or the fact that I have the job of a 14-year-old. Or the myriad of other things that usually fill up the space in our minds and keep my therapist employed. All day, every day we worry; Will I find someone I can actually spend the rest of my life with? Will I be able to have children? How can I advance my career? Where am I going to be in ten years? Hell, in 5 years! I find myself starting the day exhausted and I am almost certain my mother and sister feel the same. Still, we are blessed with so much, I try to always be very thankful that our lives are together enough to pay attention to nonsensical things; for example, what the hell is wrong with Brandy Glanville??

An Urban (love) Legend

“So you’ll never guess who’s getting married.” My sister exclaimed as we headed for Stew Leonard’s (Think a farm fresh version of Costco). “Who?” My cousin replied. “David!” My sister replied. “No way!, my cousin said, to whom?” “Remember that crazy night we had in the city back in October? The one where David ditched us for that blonde with the ridiculous boots?” my sister asked. My cousin drew in a deep breath “OMG!, she exclaimed, those tacky pleather snakeskin boots? And wasn’t she wearing a matching dress….wait! He’s marrying her?!” “Yup!” my sister said. “I totally thought that was a one night stand!” my cousin said. “Well I’m sure it started out that way…..my sister said. “Wait, wait, wait!, I exclaimed, so you’re saying, your friend had a one night stand? And now he’s going to marry her?? Yeah, I’ve heard that one before; it’s the relationship urban legend. Girl goes home with guy one drunken night, next thing you know; she’s sporting a 5 carrot ring. Notice how it always happens to a friend of a friend?” “But we actually know this guy Mar, my sister said, it’s totally happening.” “Please, I said returning to my trivia game, it never happens.” But then it occurred to me, I actually know someone who met their husband that way! And I was actually there when it happened! The scene: a dark, almost creepy bar. The crew: Two women (myself and the aforementioned friend) and two gay men. The guy: Tall, dark and snarky. He sauntered up to us and said something quippy. (I honestly couldn’t tell you what it was as I was betraying my pinstripe loyalty by cozing up to a former Red Sox). Whatever he said, it was obvious he was into Christina. So after (quite) a few drinks we were shoed out into the foggy night where Gene, Wes, and I got a cab and headed for the beach (We were roommates living in a beach house in San Francisco) while Christina took Nate up on his offer of a nightcap. Well, I thought after Christina assuring me she was fine and she really wanted to spend the night with him, this will become an interesting story, and boy was I right; A year later they are happily living in Texas. Wow! Dreams do come true. So there you have it. Christina and Mr. Big (Nate’s a hedge fund manager). My sister’s friend David and his snakeskin hottie. And me. Hanging out on the sidelines.

Surviving the Landminds

A message from a very close friend saw an already emotional evening descend into a blizzard of melancholy, anger, and confusion. Marlena and her husband have been trying for years to have a child, resulting in several miscarriages. In May they finally conceived and their angel Alexander was born on January 5th, 2015. Unfortunately, Alexander was born with Potter's Syndrome and lived less than a minute after birth. Upon hearing this news I became physically sick and dissolved into a torrent of tears (Which I think I’d been holding back all week). My heart is beyond crushed over this tragedy. Marlena is an incredibly kind, sweet, generous, all around wonderful person; I literally cannot think of a person less deserving of this tragedy (Not that anyone is deserving). And why I'm beside myself with grief over Marlena's loss it's made all the more heart wrenching by thoughts of my own reproductive future. I suffered a miscarriage of my own back in April and am now very preoccupied with pregnancy stats for older women (I'm 32 but high risk pregnancies start at 35 as previously mentioned I’m divorced) and the likelihood of future miscarriages. It never occurred to me that if I carried a child to term I'd lose them to the myriad of genetic disorders out there (Of course, it was promptly added to my list of things to worry about). Now, I in no way want to claim Marlena's tragedy and grief for my own but I honestly can't help drawing parallels. I feel like I am trying so hard to 'right the ship' so to speak, to fix my life but the more I try to plan, the more I'm reminded that I can't plan for everything and while I know that this is just how it goes I find it very difficult to deal with.

Knowing the signs

Normally I would go on and on about how little I know about life but, just for a change of pace, I thought I’d talk about what I DO know: I know how to find a deal on almost anything (seriously; I purchased a cruise for four for $567). I know the importance of getting along with your co-workers (even if you don’t like them). And I know the warning signs of a dangerous relationship. A few days ago my cousin had to work late (she’s a teacher and it was parent/teacher conference night). Normally she would leave her one year old daughter, Julia, with either her parents or her boyfriend’s parents but for some reason, on this particular night, she left Julia at home with her dad. Makes sense right? Well, naturally, Julia got sick at some point in the evening. Nothing serious, merely an upset tummy. And what does good ol’ dad do? Call my cousin and proceed to scream at her; for not answering her phone quickly enough (Again, she was working), for not being home when her child needed her. For choosing to work in general (recently, he suggested she quit her job and stay home). Hello, I’m a red flag. Now, to give Johnny (her boyfriend) the benefit of the doubt, this was the first time he was home alone with Julia (which might be a problem in itself) and I’m sure a sick child would terrify every new parent but making your girlfriend feel like an inadequate parent is not the way to handle it. In fact, making the mother of your child feel inadequate period is not okay. I think it’s a good rule of thumb that if your significant other attempts to dictate if/where/how often you work you might want to think about ditching them. This also applies if they attempt to control clothing, friends, contact with family, or, anything really. Now, if only I’d taken my own advice.

Moving on

“Remembering comes in flashbacks and echoes, tell myself it’s time now, gotta let it go, but moving on is impossible when I still see it all in my head….” I’m sitting at work, fighting my latest anxiety attack; the frustration starting in my toes and rising steadily, the inexplicable rage causing me to hyperventilate, and the exhaustion that will inevitably follow make certain that tonight’s shift will be especially long. Sigh. Tonight’s trip to frantic-vill wasn’t triggered by anything in particular. Except perhaps a conversation with my mother about a car. For a woman who loves me so much it’s amazing how a simple conversation with her can leave me in emotional upheaval (this goes double for my sister). Yesterday, after months of research, planning, negotiating, test driving, budgeting, and LOTS of thinking, I purchased a car. A 1996 Mazda Miata. A bit of a fixer upper, to quote the rock trolls but for $750, it’s the deal of the century. I knew my family (with the exception of Jay, my twin cousin) wouldn’t approve, mostly because it wasn’t their idea, but I did it anyway. Running through the rain, empowered by a couple of drinks, I cheerfully told my sister, who reacted more positively than expected. My mother’s reaction however, went exactly as I expected. “That money could have been put to better use”. Such as? “Don’t you think you should have run this past me first?” Actually, no. “I don’t think you really think things through.” Seriously?! I feel as if my entire life has been dictated by something other than my actual needs and desires. Loyalty. Obligation. Obsessive people pleasing. Outright fear. Now, for the first time, I am trying to make decisions based on MY needs and what’s best for ME. This is not as easy as it sounds; every step is shadowed by past false starts. Every move eclipsed by failed endeavors. I’m haunted by things in my past; things that I’ve had to do. Things that make me question who I am on an hourly basis. How am I supposed to move forward if my memories keep trying to drag me back? I’ll tell you one thing; My family second guessing the few decisions I have the courage to make certainly isn’t helping.