Moving on

“Remembering comes in flashbacks and echoes, tell myself it’s time now, gotta let it go, but moving on is impossible when I still see it all in my head….” I’m sitting at work, fighting my latest anxiety attack; the frustration starting in my toes and rising steadily, the inexplicable rage causing me to hyperventilate, and the exhaustion that will inevitably follow make certain that tonight’s shift will be especially long. Sigh. Tonight’s trip to frantic-vill wasn’t triggered by anything in particular. Except perhaps a conversation with my mother about a car. For a woman who loves me so much it’s amazing how a simple conversation with her can leave me in emotional upheaval (this goes double for my sister). Yesterday, after months of research, planning, negotiating, test driving, budgeting, and LOTS of thinking, I purchased a car. A 1996 Mazda Miata. A bit of a fixer upper, to quote the rock trolls but for $750, it’s the deal of the century. I knew my family (with the exception of Jay, my twin cousin) wouldn’t approve, mostly because it wasn’t their idea, but I did it anyway. Running through the rain, empowered by a couple of drinks, I cheerfully told my sister, who reacted more positively than expected. My mother’s reaction however, went exactly as I expected. “That money could have been put to better use”. Such as? “Don’t you think you should have run this past me first?” Actually, no. “I don’t think you really think things through.” Seriously?! I feel as if my entire life has been dictated by something other than my actual needs and desires. Loyalty. Obligation. Obsessive people pleasing. Outright fear. Now, for the first time, I am trying to make decisions based on MY needs and what’s best for ME. This is not as easy as it sounds; every step is shadowed by past false starts. Every move eclipsed by failed endeavors. I’m haunted by things in my past; things that I’ve had to do. Things that make me question who I am on an hourly basis. How am I supposed to move forward if my memories keep trying to drag me back? I’ll tell you one thing; My family second guessing the few decisions I have the courage to make certainly isn’t helping.