Surviving the Landminds

A message from a very close friend saw an already emotional evening descend into a blizzard of melancholy, anger, and confusion. Marlena and her husband have been trying for years to have a child, resulting in several miscarriages. In May they finally conceived and their angel Alexander was born on January 5th, 2015. Unfortunately, Alexander was born with Potter's Syndrome and lived less than a minute after birth. Upon hearing this news I became physically sick and dissolved into a torrent of tears (Which I think I’d been holding back all week). My heart is beyond crushed over this tragedy. Marlena is an incredibly kind, sweet, generous, all around wonderful person; I literally cannot think of a person less deserving of this tragedy (Not that anyone is deserving). And why I'm beside myself with grief over Marlena's loss it's made all the more heart wrenching by thoughts of my own reproductive future. I suffered a miscarriage of my own back in April and am now very preoccupied with pregnancy stats for older women (I'm 32 but high risk pregnancies start at 35 as previously mentioned I’m divorced) and the likelihood of future miscarriages. It never occurred to me that if I carried a child to term I'd lose them to the myriad of genetic disorders out there (Of course, it was promptly added to my list of things to worry about). Now, I in no way want to claim Marlena's tragedy and grief for my own but I honestly can't help drawing parallels. I feel like I am trying so hard to 'right the ship' so to speak, to fix my life but the more I try to plan, the more I'm reminded that I can't plan for everything and while I know that this is just how it goes I find it very difficult to deal with.