A 4G network......with perks!

A 4G network….with perks! You know what my life needs? Aside from a career, my own apartment, and perhaps a new pair of shoes (you know, for interviews)? A man. Scratch that. Men are a penny a dozen. What I need is a husband. Someone I enjoy coming home to every day. Someone I can raise a family with. Someone stable (read: good with money) and easy going, someone who’s got his priorities in order (read: doesn’t spend all his time getting drunk). I liken finding a life partner to finding a good phone; both must be easy to deal with, perform a variety of useful functions, and keep me entertained. Also, I feel like I am good at picking both, yet, after awhile, I always seem to end up looking for a new one. Now, as I mentioned before, I had a husband and as you might have guessed, I did not just describe him. My first model actually wasn’t all bad; Jealous, controlling, immature, but overall not a bad guy. We were together on and off since high school and we did a long distance thing for a year after I moved to San Francisco so it seemed like it made sense to get married. After we got married however, nothing did. For anyone who saw The Break up you know what I went through. “I don’t want you to do the dishes; I want you to want to do the dishes!” Exactly. I’m definitely ready for an upgrade. And this time around I know exactly what I want, or at the very least, what I don’t want. The problem is finding him. I think my problem is choosing based on aesthetics, I like purple phones and red hair and while these might well be good atritubutes they clearly don’t make for a lasting match so I decided I needed a new approach. Like so many before me I decided to try my hand at online dating. I figured a website would allow me to pick the precise traits I want in a man while ruling out the ones I didn’t, you know, like choosing a data plan. Turns out, it’s a bit more complicated than that. First I tried Zoosk. I created a profile and was matched with a few decent seeming people. Unfortunately, it seems that Zoosk only allows you to send one message for free and then insists you pony up for more. Really really irritating! So it was on to Okcupid! Where I met the guy who asked me to send him naked pics by way of greeting and the gem who stopped messaging me after, at his request, I sent him a recent pic. (The only difference between the pic I sent and the one on my profile: my hair is shorter). Next, I logged on to Plenty of Fish where I started chatting with a guy who seemed perfect, for about a week. That was how long it took for him to start asking if I would like to star in some of his fantasies, all of which were very, very x-rated. Oh and he asked me to marry him. Ugh! Why isn’t there a place where I can go, tell someone what I want, and have them produce it? You know, like a t-mobile store for guys.